slipping deeper into my mind. loneliness is all there is to love these days, everything else has gone away. fleshing out my neurosis, still not much to hold the bones in. not sure if i will wake up in the morning. i lost the last traces of god a week or so ago. as i rode north on meridian at 3:45 on a thursday afternoon to grab lunch for some coworkers, a man was dangling his feet from the fifth floor of a parking garage with two guns in his hands. he fired two rounds aimlessly, waved at an onlooker, swallowed the barrel and fell to the ground, landing on a pedestrian. within thirty seconds the area was swarming with police vehicles, cops with guns drawn and onlookers. thirty more seconds later every street within five blocks was closed off and i saw two officers run around a corner with semi-automatic rifles. still unaware of what was happening, just being close enough to hear shots and screams but not paying enough attention to have seen anything, i walked inside the mexican restaurant and placed the orders. five minutes later i walk out and the police have everyone on the sidewalks, no vehicles without a news or law enforcement logo in sight. fucking warzone. i maneuvered my way around the blocked streets back to work, jarred from the experience but still not sure what had happened besides another random shooting in the downtown area. stories flooded in as we sat and ate after closing the store, due to a police officer telling us there was a hostage situation in the mall. as with everything else, i immediately tried to comically relieve myself and make light of the situation and spent the rest of the night turning it over in my mind.

twenty four hours later my mom called me and told me that the man was the father of a good childhood friend of mine, my neighbor for several years. earlier that day he killed his wife, then drove downtown to kill himself across from the law firm where she worked.

i haven’t slept right since.

this world is a very fucked up place.